Happy Easter!

  On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. ² They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, ³ but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. ⁴ While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. ⁵ In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? ⁶ He is not here; He has risen! Remember how He told you, while He was still with you in Galilee: ⁷ ‘The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.’ ” ⁸ Then they remembered His words.  Luke 24

I wish you a very blessed Easter.
I'll be taking this week off to spend a little time hanging out with my family over Spring Break, but I'll be back soon with some springtime projects, recipes, a preview of our next (fabulous!) newsletter. Have a great week!

Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”
Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest heaven,
    and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

Luke 2:11-14

Wishing you Joy & Peace on this Christmas Day!

Throwback Post: Giving Thanks

I have been sitting here trying to figure out what to say about Thanksgiving that hasn't been said a hundred or a thousand times already.... I was going through some of my old posts and found this one from 2008- it seemed to fit perfectly how I am feeling this week....

You turned my wailing into dancing;
You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing to You and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give You thanks forever.

Psalm 30:11,12

It seems a shame to me that we set aside only one day a year to focus on thanks and gratitude. I know that I need to be thankful more often, it sometimes seems that days go by without me whispering even a few words of gratitude to God. I just get so caught up in the day to day stuff of life, that I forget how blessed I really am....

For God's unwavering and fierce love for me....

For an imperfect yet completely wonderful family....

For friends who would drop anything and everything to come to my rescue, if need be....

For the opportunity to live in a country where I can say what I want (even if I'm wrong), where I can worship Whomever and however I want, where I have a say in our government.... I don't think that here in America we really realize how remarkable that is.... The freedoms we have can only be truly appreciated if we go to other countries and experience the fear and control that people live under on a daily basis....

For never being in need of food, clothing, shelter....

And for the OPPORTUNITY to help others out of my blessed abundance and gracious plenty...
From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked. Luke 12:48

As Americans, we live in the wealthiest and most prosperous country in the history of the world...

Sometimes, I think about the silly things that I allow myself to get upset over.... But still, sometimes things just hurt.... disappointments in life, loved ones letting us down or hurting our feelings.... not tragedies, but still painful. Sometimes I think that I have no right to ever get upset about things, because there are people in our world who deal with tragedy on a daily basis... who will never know peace... who will never know how it feels to not go without, even for one day.... 

But I realize that God, while His heart breaks for these tragedies, feels my pain too. He knows. He knows my disappointment, my hopelessness and helplessness at times. He knows that life is oftentimes painful, for all of us. And as our Father, He understands.

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Luke 12:6,7

I know everyone is so busy this time of year. Personally, I like the busyness- for me it is fun, joyous- shopping, decorating, singing along to my favorite carols. But the busyness sometimes makes it easy for me to forget just how much I have to be thankful for.

I would ask that everyone take just 10 minutes and visit one of the sites listed below. See the work that God is doing, through the hands of His servants here on earth. Please take time to be thankful for what we have, and for people who are willing to help others even on the far edges of our world (and in our own towns). Please pray for these organizations, for their workers, and for those who contribute monetarily to them to make the work possible. Maybe you will be moved to make a donation to one of these worthy organizations, to help them continue their work.

World Vision

Samaritan's Purse

BloodWaterMission

Compassion

Operation Smile

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe. Hebrews 12:28 



Happy Thanksgiving!

P.S. In addition to Thanksgiving preparations, Samantha (my daughter and guest blogger extraordinaire) and I have been busy working on the December Newsletter. In a few months there will be some exciting changes to the newsletter! It will still be free and full of recipes and projects, and we will continue to publish it about 7 times per year. If you would like to subscribe [yes, it's FREE :)], you can do so at the upper right bar of this blog.

Hurricanes and Hope

(Click here for printable PDF version of this wall print.)

First, let me say thank you so much for all of your prayers for those of us here on the East Coast of the United States a couple of weeks ago. Our family and home here in New Jersey weathered the storm without injury or property loss. This is quite amazing, and I would say miraculous, given that the eye of Hurricane Sandy passed directly over us.We are only about 80 miles from the shore, which has been the victim of unimaginable devastation, as you know.

We were well prepared for the storm. Our power tends to go out fairly often, even when other neighboring homes do not, so we assumed that we'd be without electricity for a week or more. On Saturday, my daughter's school made the call to cancel school for Monday and Tuesday, and my husband was also told not to come into work. We had the generator hooked up, moved everything we possibly could off of the basement floors, had plenty of bottled water and canned food and batteries for the flashlights. We kept our crucial devices plugged in all day so that we would have them fully charged when the power inevitably went out (who could live without their cell phones, lap tops, and iPads in this day and age?!?)  And then on Monday, the day of the storm, we waited. The rain picked up, the winds howled. All local programming on the television was pre-empted by news coverage. We settled in with books and magazines, waiting for the power to cut out. By dinner time, we were sure the electric would go out at any moment, as the winds whipped fiercely and the rain poured down relentlessly. We ate dinner early, thinking that surely this was our last chance for a hot meal for the next several days! And we waited, and waited..... and went to bed with power still intact. Actually by bedtime, the winds died down to almost nothing- the eye of the storm passing over. Early in the morning, around 2 a.m. the winds picked up again. And then we awoke the next morning- to power in our home, and gray drizzly skies.

As I said, this was truly miraculous. My husband and I are no strangers to the devastation that a hurricane can cause. In 1989, when we were first married, we were living on the island of St. Croix in the U.S. Virgin Islands where my husband worked for an oil company. The forecast for Hurricane Hugo was dire, and we were evacuated to a large metal warehouse on the company property, since getting off the island at that point would have been difficult or impossible. The hurricane made landfall on St. Croix on September 17 through the night till the 18th. That night was the most terrifying of my life.

We sat in the warehouse, as the storm raged outside. Sleep was impossible! The roof began to pull away from the building, but managed to stay in place. We had to move to different areas of the warehouse, as we would settle into one place and then it would start flooding. At one point, some men knocked out the wall between our warehouse and the adjoining fire station so we could get in there. More than once, we thought that the building might blow away, taking us with it. The storm had stalled over St. Croix, with winds reaching 140 miles per hour, pounding and beating away at the island for hours upon hours.

The next morning, after the hurricane had passed, the warehouse doors were opened, and the sky was a weird, eerie green color. We saw palm trees, sheared in half. We saw rows and rows of concrete foundations, where houses had used to stand- there was literally nothing left of the homes but the poured concrete foundations. Somehow, somehow, our house was spared. It sat snug against a little hill, which we believe protected it from the fierce winds. However, the back wall was caved in and roof separated from the house- and a washing machine (not ours), sat in the back yard. Apparently, the winds had hurled someone's washing machine into the back of our house. Our car, however, was totaled-  all of the windows crushed in and it was full of debris from the storm.

Power was out on the island for over a month. There were riots at the gas stations. Store owners sat on their roof tops with machine guns, trying to keep looters away from their shops. After about 4 days the National Guard was sent in to get looting under control. When they were able to, about a week later, my husband's company sent in a plane with food for their employees and families.

So, yes- I know what hurricanes can do. To this day, I hate the wind. If there are strong winds outside, I put earplugs in my ears because I cannot shake the fear that something bad will happen, something will get destroyed. I have seen people lose everything.

And yet, going into this event, I was peaceful and calm. I actually surprised myself.  It wasn't that I was ignorant or oblivious to the possible imminent destruction- on the contrary, I was quite aware of how deadly these storms can be. But we prepared, we prayed, and then we waited. In the past I would have made myself physically ill with worry. But I felt at peace that we would be cared for.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

Perhaps this is something that comes with age and wisdom- faith that somehow, everything will be OK. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually. And worrying does not lessen the chances of bad things happening. The best you can do is prepare and hope for the best.

I painted the little poster at the top of this post with a quote that I like by Corrie Ten Boom, a holocaust prison survivor. I have created a PDF version to share with you- you can print it out and hang it up if you would like. It is a good reminder, not just on difficult days, but every day.

Please continue to pray for the people of this area- so many have lost so much. My husband was able to go on Friday with a group of men from our church to help with the clean up.

If you would like to make a donation, you may do so at Samaritan's Purse (the organization which is doing a lot of relief work in the area and organized my husband's trip there). If you would like to make a donation directly to a local organization, you can click here.

Thank you again for your continued prayers- they are much needed and appreciated.

Seeking Balance

We talk a lot about balance. I talk about and think about it all the time- trying to find it, needing to find it. Some claim that they have found it, others say (probably more honestly) that is something that they struggle with on an almost daily basis.

I am an all-or-nothing, driven, Type A personality. When I find something new that I'm interested in, I tend to do it all the way- determinedly, doggedly, unabashedly. Nothing can keep me from my pursuit... and then.... I'm done.

I find that my balance comes over the course of months or seasons. For a season, I work, work, work- 11 hours days 5 days a week plus several hours on Saturday and Sunday. And then... I am tired. I am worn out, burned out, and I wonder- why bother? There is no joy in the work anymore at that point. And I start to question whether I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing... and the answer is of course I am, but I have burned myself out and need a break, a season of rest. I think that's where I am now.

Lately I have been questioning myself- Is this what I really want? Is this what I really want to do? And when I think about it, I know the answer is yes. But I am just in one of those "rest" seasons. Resting not just from work, but from some wonderful yet emotionally stressful events. As most of you know, my oldest daughter got married last month, and youngest daughter got her driver's license and will be a high school senior next year. Which leaves me with those ambivalent feelings of Yay! I will have tons of time now/ /Oh my gosh what in the world am I going to do with all of my time???


I am in transition. Transition is exciting, fun, and scary. Really scary. Full of feelings and fears and worries and possibilities. While I am trying to feel and accept my feelings and fears (in addition to being Type A, I am also a let's Git-R-Done and not-waste-time-with-feelings type of person) I am trying to focus on the possibilities.

In this period of transition, I will remember that
My daily life will probably not be balanced, but that doesn't mean I am not living a balanced life. In the course of a week, a month, a season, a year, a life.... I will trust that I have given the appropriate amount of time and attention to every important facet of my life: my faith, my family, my work, helping others, fun and relaxation.


Some days I will work too hard, other days I will play too much, and other days I will do nothing at all. And that's OK. I just have to keep reminding myself.


 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. Ecclesiastes 3:12-13


 P.S. Don't forget the big giveaway here on my blog, and at Henry Glass Fabrics all this week.

Christmas in July Giveaway

Henry Glass Fabrics is doing a Summer Party blog hop this week! Of course there will be lots of giveaways and goodies......  I have a BIG giveaway here on my blog as well, so keep on reading.....

For this post I am supposed to write something about summer.... my favorite summer things, or summer plans, or new products being released this summer....

So of course I decided to write about.... Christmas! Because as far as I'm concerned, it's never too early to start thinking about it and getting some projects done. And when it's really hot outside, you can crank up the air conditioning and the Christmas music and have a little party....

I actually celebrated Christmas in July just yesterday at my church. Every year, our church participates in an event called Operation Christmas Child. It involves packing shoe boxes with little toys and gifts and candy, and then they get sent to children all around the world- many of whom have never received a Christmas gift in their whole entire lives. You can even track your box and see where it goes- last year, my family's boxes went to Malawi and Kenya. We usually pack and send our boxes in the fall, but we thought this year it would be fun to do them in the summer, since everyone seems to be so busy in the fall.

Some of the ladies from our church got together to go shopping, then we came back to the church and made a party out of wrapping and assembling the boxes. Of course there was Christmas music, Christmas cookies, and Christmas decorations. It was a fun and festive time!

(And, you know, there had to be food involved, 'cause you can't do all of that hard work on an empty stomach..... It was also a chance to pull out some of my favorite Christmas dishes that don't get nearly enough use.)

At the end of the day, we had about 30 boxes to donate to Operation Christmas Child. An afternoon well spent.....

For a few FREE Christmas projects you can work on RIGHT NOW, click below:

Tote Bag Tutorial

Wonky Whimsical Christmas Tree Tutorial

Jolly Holiday Santa Sack Tutorial

The panel and fabrics for my Oh Holy Night fabric collection are now available on my website, too, for fun holiday sewing:

Panel

Fat Quarter Bundle

Click here to see swatches for this collection.

Stop by the Henry Glass blog today and everyday this coming week- they will be giving away lots of fabric!

Now for MY giveaway:

The prize is this great collection of fabric, patterns, and note cards:

The prize includes:

5 Christmas/Holiday themed quilt patterns

3 Packages of Cards

A fabric panel and assorted fabrics from my Oh Holy Night fabric line

A kit (pattern and fabric) for a Thimbleberries Table Runner

A double sided snowman pendant

The RETAIL VALUE on this prize is over $120.... there are several ways for you to enter:

• Leave a comment here telling me what is your favorite holiday to make crafts and projects for? Is it Christmas? General winter theme? Valentine's Day? Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving? Or some other holiday????                                                                                                                                        
• For an extra entry, be a fan of The Noble Wife on Facebook, and leave a comment here letting me know that you are a fan                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           
• For an extra entry, share this post on Facebook. This is super easy- just look for the little row of icons at the bottom of this post, near the comments. Click the "f" for Facebook button. Leave a comment here to let me know that you have shared it.                                                                                                                                                                                     
• For an extra entry, follow me on Twitter, and leave a comment here letting me know that you are a follower                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    
• For an extra entry, you can also Tweet about this giveaway on Twitter (must provide link to THIS post), and mention @TheNobleWife, and leave a comment here letting me know that you are a fan (again, there is a oh-so-easy-to-use Twitter button ("t") at the bottom of the post near the comment section). Leave a comment here to let me know that you have Tweeted.                                                                                                                                              
• For an extra entry, become a follower of this blog (see right side bar, under Fellow Artsy Folks), and leave a comment here letting me know that you are a follower

Gee, so many ways to enter, there's no excuse to be left out....
Remember to provide a SEPARATE COMMENT here on this post for EACH way that you have entered. (You will see something at the bottom of the post that says 0 comments, or 5,683,598 comments, or something like that. Click on it and it will bring up a comment box.)

I MUST be able to easily contact you, please make sure your email is included in the comment or that I can reach you through your Blogger/Google account.

You have until Midnight EDT, Monday August 6 to enter.

GOOD LUCK! AND HAPPY CHRISTMAS IN JULY!!!!

It's a New Year.....

Happy New Year, Everyone! Yes, I am still here! I hope everyone had safe and happy holidays. I have been enjoying time with family and have done the bare minimum as far as work goes...... and it has been wonderful! Over the holidays, we mostly hung out and enjoyed our Christmas presents- watched movies, played a new video game, read some new books.... For New Year's Eve, oldest daughter was out of town, and youngest daughter had a sleep over party (her friend's birthday is on December 31, so it's an annual event). Hubby and I drove her to the party, went to dinner, came home, watched a movie and were in bed by 10:30.... It has been a very relaxing couple of weeks and I almost hate for it to end! But, I guess I have to get back to work sometime... I am easing myself into it. Spent a couple of hours sewing today and tomorrow I will get up early and hit the ground running (I hope!)

Last year I shared this and I wanted to share it again.  I don't make New Year's Resolutions anymore- they never last more than a week anyway and I just end up being disappointed in myself. So I have this taped on my bathroom mirror- it is a good reminder of how we should live everyday, not just the first few days of January.

I CHOOSE LOVE...

No occasion justifies hatred;

no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love.

Today I will love God and what God loves.

I CHOOSE JOY...

I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance.

I will refuse the temptation to be cynical...

the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see

people as anything less than human beings,

created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as 

anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I CHOOSE PEACE...

I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.

I CHOOSE PATIENCE...

I will overlook the inconveniences of the world.

Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll

invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the 

wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment

to pray. Instead of clenching my fist at new 

assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I CHOOSE KINDNESS....

I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone.

Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to

the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I CHOOSE GOODNESS...

I will go without a dollar

before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked 

before I will boast. I will confess before I will

 accuse. I choose goodness.

I CHOOSE FAITHFULNESS...

Today I will keep my promises.

My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates

will not question my word. My wife (husband) will not 

question my love. And my children will never fear

that their father (mother) will not come home.

I CHOOSE GENTLENESS...

Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle.

If I raise my voice may it be only in praise.

If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer.

If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.

I CHOOSE SELF-CONTROL...

I am a spiritual being....

After this body is dead, my spirit will soar.

I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal.

I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy.

I will be impassioned only by my faith.

I will be influenced only by God.

I will be taught only by Christ.

I choose self-control.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,

faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

To these I commit my day.

If I succeed, I will give thanks

If I fail, I will seek His grace.

And then, when this day is done,

I will place my head on my pillow and rest.

by Max Lucado

Free Quilt Pattern for "Quilts for Kids"

 First, let me say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for all of your kind words and support in response to my last post. I think it just goes to show, that everyone feels insecure sometimes, and it's just nice to know that others feel the same way.......
On that note, I did not know that my friend and fellow designer Brenda Riddle had also been feeling reflective lately... Visit her recent post for some of her feelings about success...

I promised to keep you up to date on my progress on my Quilts for Kids project. Well, actually... I got it done. Wow! that was fast! I used the free pattern called For Ella's Sister which is on my website. Here is the original quilt:

For this version, I used- you guessed it- Sewing Room Social fabric. I finished the blocks the other day, and yesterday I sewed them into rows:

Then I sewed on the brown sashing  (to be honest, next time, I would go with a solid, this is a little busy. But it's for a kid, so I think it's OK- it's "vivacious"- yeah, that's the word!):

 And finally, I sewed on the wide blue sashing and it was done:

This is a great pattern when you need a really quick project. The sashing makes the project go super fast. And you can use any block you want- you could even use a solid square in place of the pieced blocks if you are in a big hurry. I think I will do the same pattern in boy colors- it won't take much time at all. Please visit the Quilts for Kids website- maybe you could make a quilt or two- or what a great project for your sewing circle or guild. Put that stash to good use!!

Some Inspiration

We are just back from an 11 day trip to England. It was great but exhausting (my husband can be a little bit of a vacation nazi- not one of those relaxing vacations, no siree-  no rest for us-  we did see A LOT- but boy am I tired.....)

Anyway, in the next few days I will post some photos. In the meantime, here is a link to a post by Kat that I love, I just found it today. Now, I rarely link over to other blog posts, so this must be good! Be sure to watch the video and grab a box of tissues while you're at it. I promise, you WILL be inspired.

Here a couple of previous posts from my blog which relate to Kat's post.
Music Monday- Imagine Me
Faith in Action

I'm going to bed now... jet lag has still got me....

It's Resurrection Day

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through Whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Romans 5:1-3

You stood before creation,

Eternity in Your hand,

And You spoke the earth into motion

My soul now to stand.

You stood before my failure

And carried the cross for my shame

My sin weighed upon Your shoulders

My soul now to stand.

So I walk upon salvation,

Your Spirit alive in me,

This life to declare Your promise,

My soul now to stand.

So what could I say?

And what could I do?

But offer this heart, oh, God,

Completely to You.

So I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned,

In awe of the One Who gave it all,

I'll stand, my soul, Lord, to You surrendered,

All I am is Yours.

The Stand, Joel Houston

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Here is a quote and a prayer attributed to St. Patrick, Apostle of Ireland.

Born between 387 and 390 in Scotland, died March 17, c. 461 in Ireland.

I came to the Irish people to preach the Gospel and endure the taunts of unbelievers, putting up with reproaches about my earthly pilgrimage, suffering many persecutions, even bondage, and losing my birthright of freedom for the benefit of others. If I am worthy, I am ready also to give up my life, without hesitation and most willingly, for Christ’s name. I want to spend myself for that country, even in death, if the Lord should grant me this favor. It is among that people that I want to wait for the promise made by him, who assuredly never tells a lie. He makes this promise in the Gospel: “They shall come from the east and west and sit down with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.” This is our faith: believers are to come from the whole world.

Christ shield me this day:

Christ with me,

Christ before me,

Christ behind me,

Christ in me,

Christ beneath me,

Christ above me,

Christ on my right,

Christ on my left,

Christ when I lie down,

Christ when I arise,

Christ in the heart of every person who thinks of me,

Christ in every eye that sees me,

Christ in the ear that hears me.

 It is said that St. Patrick used the shamrock to explain Christianity to the Irish, with the three leaves representing the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

Youngest daughter loves Irish potatoes, they look like little potatoes and taste delicious. She made them from light cream cheese, so I can eat as many as I want, right???

Here is the recipe:

4 oz. cream cheese

2 tbsp. butter

1 lb. confectioner's sugar

1/2 c. coconut

Cinnamon & sugar mix

Mix cream cheese and butter until creamy. Add coconut and confectioner's sugar. Knead until well blended. Roll dough into balls. Roll balls in the cinnamon- sugar mix.

You know what they say- Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day!

Jacquelynne Steves is NOT in the Bahamas

Hello Everyone! I hope you are all enjoying a peaceful New Year so far..... and that you haven't fallen off the "resolution wagon" yet! I stopped making resolutions a few years ago, because, 1. I don't think I've kept a resolution past January 3 in my life, and 2. Because to me new year's resolutions are just another reason to procrastinate. If I feel that there is something I need to work on, I think there is no time like the present- why wait till January 1, or Monday, or the kids go back to school, or whatever.... I should just do it. And that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

So right now I am sitting on the sofa, recuperating from more surgery. I managed to get an appointment last week with a new doctor (I got some recommendations from a friend who is a nurse, and other doctors' first available appointments weren't until the end of January or mid-February.) So I went to this doctor, and figured that if I didn't like him, I would go to yet a different one later in January, I had nothing to lose. But as it turned out, I did really like him, and he was able to fit me in for surgery yesterday (Monday), which was OK with me because I just want all of this to be over. Based on my tests and symptoms, he thought I had endometriosis in addition to everything else, which, it turns out, I do. So I had a laparoscopy to look around my abdomen to see if there was anything else going on in there, and a D&C to remove some of the endometriosis, and he also lasered off a cyst on my ovary, among other things. Unfortunately, he was unable to remove the fibroid, because there may be some bladder involvement. I have to go back to see him in 2 to 3 weeks, and then there will probably be another surgery, with the gynecologist to remove the fibroid, and a gynourologist, in case there needs to be any repair to my bladder.

Sheesh, I am tired of being a patient, and just tired of being patient!!! But my family has been really wonderful, my oldest daughter is still home for college for another week and she cheerfully helps me around the house and brings me everything I need and drives her sister to school for me. I told her, 19 years ago I was taking care of her, and now she is taking care of me! But at least she doesn't have to change my diapers (at least for another 40 or 50 years, anyway.....)

So for now I get to lay on the sofa and be waited on hand and foot, and take some narcotics and just generally be lazy with good excuse (however, if you are interested in this lifestyle, I recommend going to the Bahamas- sans the narcotics- instead of surgery. It costs less and is slightly more pleasant. And your friends will appreciate the postcards from the Bahamas a lot more. Although, if you remember, after my last surgery, I did come home with a lovely photo of my bladder which I declined to post here. Maybe I will put it on the family Christmas card next year.)

A cheerful heart is good medicine. Proverbs 17:22

P.S. Thanks to all of you who emailed yesterday regarding the At Water's Edge fabric. I will try to email everyone back today or tomorrow.

Waiting.....

When I saw the doctor last Wednesday, he said there was a possibility that my biopsy would be back on Friday. So at about 5 minutes after 2 on Friday I called to see if it had come in. The receptionist said that it had. I asked to speak to the doctor, but she said he had already left. She said the reports had come in just minutes before I called, after he had left for the weekend. I don't begrudge the guy taking off early on a Friday, but why last Friday?? I got to spend the whole weekend knowing that my report was sitting on his desk, and that the receptionist knows what I have, but I don't. I imagined maybe my friend and I breaking in to the office, and making a copy of the report for myself. But when I picture that scenario in my head, it looks like a Laverne and Shirley episode, so I decided to just let it go..... The doctor does surgery on Mondays, so I don't know if I will hear from him at all today. I will probably just have to wait until my appointment tomorrow (have I mentioned that I am extremely impatient and a control freak?)

I have to admit that when this all began, I would characterize my faith as "weak." I knew ultimately that God would take care of me, but my fear was that things wouldn't turn out the way I wanted them to. While God always holds us in the palm of His hand, some people do not get physical healing. My fear was that I would die much earlier than I had planned.... My fear was that God taking care of me would entail me having peace with my premature suffering and death (I really do have a very active imagination, I know.) I never asked myself  "Why me?", it has always been "Why not me?" Why shouldn't I be the one to get cancer.... sometimes bad things, terrible things, happen. I just don't want them to happen to me, but I recognize that they very well could. (notice how many times I and me appear in this paragraph- I have hilighted them for you, just in case you didn't notice. Could it be that my focus on myself, and not on Him, is the problem......)

The day that I got a bad test report and went to the church in the middle of a breakdown, the lady praying with me was first praying for me and my family to have peace. And I remember thinking- No, no! not peace! Healing! Pray for healing, because I do not want this thing that I fear so much. Of course, then she did pray for healing for me. But isn't it funny (and very human) that we want our pain and suffering to be taken away, instead of just asking God to use it! I lean on the works of the apostle Paul, who said:

there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-12)

Oh, to be like James, who wrote: Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything (James 1:2-4)

Oh goodness- does he really expect me to consider my trials a joy, because they develop perseverance and character!? What I really want is just to live a simple life, free from pain and drama.... I just want to go on with my plans for my life.... Really, is developing perseverance and character that important.... can't I just skip that part....

The first week or 2 of all of this, I was paralyzed with fear. People were telling me that these tests are often wrong and don't mean anything. I have to admit, that made me angry- because even though that may be completely true, when it is happening to you, it is terrifying, and you don't want to feel like maybe you are overreacting and being irrational. And no matter how many people rally around you and support you and pray for you- you still know that ultimately you are alone in it. No one else can walk through it for you. I realized early on that this was just gonna me and God walking through this one together..... Even though I leaned on God and trusted Him..... my human self was just terrified, and even though people were telling me that God had me in the palm of His hand, it was hard to believe, many times I just didn't feel it. I mean, I believed and had faith, but I didn't really believe and have faith. Does anyone understand what I mean? It's like I had it in my head, but it took a while to work down into my heart. Like the father of the possessed boy who said to Jesus- I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief! Mark 9:24. We believe, we think we believe, but there is always another level of faith that we strive toward.

So about 10 days ago, I guess all the prayers that people were praying for me to have peace actually kicked in. Suddenly, almost overnight, I felt better. I still had to have the biopsy, I still feared the surgery itself. But I have no longer been paralyzed by the fear of the outcome. Somehow, I really know that I am going to be OK. I have been able to move on with my life and enjoy my family and enjoy the holiday season. I have somehow been able to "look past the curve" (I will explain that one later- this post is already too long.) The only explanation I have for how I went from terror to peace is a miraculous work of God on my heart, an answer to the prayers of so many.....

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7.

Free at Last!

I woke up at 4 am in a panic. Oh no! Did I really do a post talking about my catheter! Yikes! I expect that readers will turn away in droves. But then I read your really kind comments, and I felt better. I really am a private person. But I guess 2 weeks away from the blog really gives one the urge to purge!!!
I went to the urologist this morning, and he removed the catheter. Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty! Free at last! I feel better already. Now I just have to wait till Tuesday for the biopsy results. He said he will call me if he hears anything sooner, but right now I am just assuming that I have to wait another whole week.

So, life goes on. I am trying to catch up on stuff, it feels good to be back in my studio. A little bit of normalcy. I think I will work on making some wool pins. My inventory is very low. I ordered a bunch of wool back at the beginning of November, thinking I would spend any free time I had in December making pins. Then all of this happened. I think it will be good to think about someone other than ME for a change. On a particularly bad day a couple of weeks ago, I found myself in Walgreen's with a shopping cart full of toys for the local women's and children's shelter. I just didn't know what else to do with myself. Doing something for someone else is always good therapy, and in conjunction with "retail therapy", well, I think that is just a good combination!

It is just 9 days till Christmas. I have not baked a single cookie. Oh well. Daughter comes home from college on Thursday, so maybe the kids will make them this year. Then again, not having the cookies in the house has probably saved me from gaining my usual "Christmas cookie weight" this year, so maybe it's not such a bad thing. And I am really trying to eat healthier, because I never want to go through something like this again. Maybe my body is trying to tell me that I am no longer young and invincible, but I am aging, just like my parents and grandparents. Middle age stinks! But I would not trade the wisdom I have gained for my 20 year old body and face. And of course, it is during our most difficult times that God really reveals Himself to us (I'm sure it has more to do with the fact that during trials we are vulnerable and needy and desperate for Him, and we will seek Him more, and not because He is more present in difficult situations..... He is always the same, always present.... it is just during these times that we can really see Him, because we look for Him...)


The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
For in the day of trouble
He will keep me safe in His dwelling;
He will hide me in the shelter of His tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.
Psalm 27

Where in the World is Jacquelynne Steves??

Many some two of you may be wondering where I have been. It has been a heckuva couple of weeks (and not in a good way.) I have been going through a really difficult time. I thought about blogging it- but frankly, it has been hard enough to just live it, I just didn't feel like sitting down and writing it and rehashing it. I know for some people, writing is therapeutic, but for me in this case, I have spent most of my time trying not to think about it. Also, my kids read my blog and I didn't want to freak them out.

I apologize that this is a very long post, and I hope it is not too graphic. I have spent a long time considering how much I should divulge.  But it has been the major part of my life lately, and it feels dishonest to blog about Christmas decorations when, right now, they are the furthest thing from my mind. I am usually a very private person, but God and the prayers of many wonderful and faithful friends have, and continue, to lead me through this.

A couple of months ago at my regular gyn appointment, I mentioned to the doctor that I felt bloated and crampy etc. so she gave me a prescription for an ultrasound. I put it off for 2 1/2 months because I figured it would just turn out to be something like fibroids or something, and hey, I was busy, you know? So I finally got around to going for the ultrasound in mid-November. After calling a couple of times for the results, I finally heard back from them 6 days later (after I left a message demanding that they call me) and they tell me I have a mass on my bladder and recommend a CT scan. So I called for that appointment, and had to wait another 6 days. Which made for an anxious Thanksgiving week for me. And that's when things got worse.

Monday November 30.  Drink disgusting barium and go for CT of pelvis and abdomen. Ask the doctor's office to call me right away with the results, since I have now been waiting around for a week wondering if this "mass" is something to be worried about. Of course, my mind wanders to the darkest scenarios possible.

Tuesday December 1. Receive word from gyn in morning that there is definitely a mass, she recommends I get to a urologist ASAP. And by the way, I also have a couple of kidney stones, a slightly enlarged uterus, and fluid on one of my ovaries. She recommends (under her breath, so that others in the office can't hear her) that I don't go to a local hospital and instead go to a large city hospital, and tells me to let them know if there is anything at all they can do for me..... I make some calls. Get a recommendation for a urologist from a lady in our church who is currently undergoing bladder cancer treatment. Call the urologist and get appointment for the next day. They want me to bring the CT scan films, so I arrange to pick them up at the radiologist.

Wednesday December 2. Pick up the films and written report from the radiologist. Get in my car and read the report. Mass on bladder.... lesion on kidney..... something else "uncharacterized" in my liver and the base of my lungs. I hyperventilate, freak out, feel like I am going to throw up. This is the end of me, I have just found out how I am going to die. Start to drive home. Decide to stop at church because I don't want to go home and be by myself. A couple of ladies at church pray and talk me through my breakdown.
I go home, hubby comes home from work to go to doctor appointment with me. I let him eat his lunch, and then tell him that the report looks really bad and start to confess my fears. He assures me that yes I will see my daughters get married and see my grandchildren and live a long life. He is a rock, I am falling apart.
See the urologist. He looks at my bladder with something called a cystoscope- not a pleasant experience. The tumor is not in my bladder, but behind it, possibly on my uterus, pushing in on the bladder. He gives me a script for a STAT MRI and sends me home with an antibiotic to prevent an infection from the test he performed. For the next 18 hours, peeing is torture. He tells me to see my gyn for the CT report, because he thinks this is a gynecological issue.

Thursday December 4. Go for MRI. One of the techs makes an innocent inquiry regarding what they have found on my CT scan. I spend the next hour in the MRI tube (aka "coffin") with nothing else to do but think about my impending doom.
I have tried to get through the week and do what I need to do- Christmas shopping, help build the Christmas Village at church, go to choir practice, etc. In the evenings at church, people comment that they haven't seen me wear glasses before. I don't tell them that I can't wear my contacts because I have spent the week crying. I deal with being really angry with myself for waiting 2 1/2 months to get the ultrasound. If this ends up really bad, it's my fault....

Friday December 5. Hubby goes with me to gyn appointment to get the MRI report. I am full of anxiety. I have not been to this office before, and I find it odd that there is a young guy about 22 years old working the desk. I have never been to a gyn office where the office staff was male, unless the male was the doctor. Also, I find it disconcerting that apparently it is "casual Friday" and this guy is wearing baggy jeans, a Phillies sweatshirt, and a Phillies baseball cap. This does not set my mind at ease. He looks like he is going to a baseball game, and he's working in my doctor's office. Seems unprofessional and does not put me at ease. Finally go in to see the doctor. There are 2 MRI reports- 1 abdomen, 1 for pelvis. The pelvic MRI does show a mass on my bladder, but the abdominal one is OK- no mention of anything on my kidney, liver, pancreas..... She sends me back to the urologist. I break into tears. She thinks that it is because I still don't have an answer about what this thing is- but I explain to her that I am so relieved that apparently, my body is not full of cancer. I come home and call the urologist's office and get an appointment for Tuesday. Later I tell my husband and a couple of friends that I have never been so relieved to find out that I might "just" have bladder cancer.

Monday December 7. I have an appointment with my primary physician for a routine physical, which I had scheduled a couple of months previously. I keep the appointment and hope he can give me some answers. He is sure that this cannot be biopsied in the urologist's office, so he gets the ball rolling with my pre-op testing so that whenever they can take me, I will be ready to go. I leave his office and go for bloodwork (which I can do since I have not eaten all day- I have not been able to eat for at least a week....) and then I go for a STAT CT of my chest, just to make sure that whatever it was in my lungs that they saw on the first CT scan is not something to worry about. He reassures me several times that he is over-reacting, but it is disconcerting to say the least to be handed a script that says- STAT CT of chest, rule out metastases, bladder tumor. I call the radiologist from my car, at first they want me to wait till Wednesday, but I tell them it is a stat order so they squeeze me in that afternoon.

Tuesday December 8. Appointment with urologist. He will schedule me for same day surgery at the hospital on Monday for the biopsy. I ask if I really have to wait that long, he replies that he does surgery on Mondays, unless it's an emergency, and this is not an emergency (well, maybe not to him.....) He says I may come home with a catheter.... I really hope not.

Wednesday December 9. Back to primary physician to get a note for medical clearance for surgery, get EKG done. Come home. 2 hours later, I break out into a horrendous rash that is red and angry looking and itchy.  Are you kidding me? I've already been to my primary physician's office twice this week. My husband thinks it looks like a drug reaction. I find this odd, because I have just taken the 13th of 14 doses of the antibiotic I received last week. You would think I'd react when I first begin to take it. Go to bed hoping it will be better when I wake up.

Thursday December 10. Rash is worse. Go back to primary physician. What do you know? It is a drug reaction- I am now allergic to sulfa. Get prescription for steroids to help calm my system down before surgery on Monday. In the afternoon, I go to my pre-op appointment at the hospital. Fill out the forms etc. They will call me between 2 and 5 pm on Friday to let me know what time to report to the hospital on Monday.

Friday December 11. The first day in a long time that I have not had a doctor's appointment or test. I get the call to arrive at the hospital at 11:30 am on Monday. No food or water after midnight Sunday.

Monday December 13. Arrive at the hospital. Terribly dehydrated and feeling icky. They have trouble finding my veins for the IV. I am scheduled to go in at 12:45, but they don't take me in until 3. I am weepy. They give me something to calm me down, but I am still weepy. The last thing I remember as I go to sleep is a very kind nurse, caressing the tears from my cheek and telling me it's going to be OK. She is an angel. When I wake up, the first thing I feel is a catheter. Crap. I was really hoping to avoid that. Also, my throat is killing me, so I guess they intubated me, though no one mentions that. Nurse helps me to get dressed. The doctor has also given hubby a picture of my bladder to bring home (I will spare you and not post it here!) Hubby picks me up at the door and drives me home. I spend the next 4 hours on the couch, watching Penelope and Little Shop of Horrors on DVD. Younger daughter comes home from her grandmother's and kindly fetches anything I need. When it is bedtime, hubby helps me walk to the kitchen for a glass of water so I can take my antibiotic (not sulfa....) After a few minutes, I start to feel really dizzy. My face is hot and there is ringing in my ears. I sit on the kitchen floor, and after a couple of minutes I don't feel better and wonder if we should call the doctor. I then lay down on the kitchen floor. A few minutes on the cool kitchen floor makes me feel better. Hubby helps me up to bed. He has to help me out of my clothes and into my pajamas, and drains my catheter bag for me. He is a saint. It is hard to get comfortable in bed. It is hard to sleep.

Tuesday December 15. I wake up feeling a little better. Still weak from not eating and a little dizzy. But hubby has taken another day off from work, helps me shower and dress and get downstairs, and makes me something to eat. Have I mentioned that he is a saint?
The biopsy will take 5-7 days to come back, so now I just wait....

This has been the longest few weeks of my life. I am ever grateful for the prayers and wonderful support I have received from so many. God has taught me a lot through this, and I would like to share some of that a little later. If you have spent the time to read through this whole post- thanks for your patience.

The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love,
And rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17